Sir Homer's Oddyssey
by Obvious Child
Summary: This was for an English 10 assignment last year- a romance (no, not THAT kind of romance) novel. VERY random.


Sir Homer's Oddyssey  
  
Pigeon-rats and griffins scurried about the forest as Sir Homer of Springshire sought shelter from the oncoming storm. As the lightning began to illuminate the sky with white-hot flashes, he noticed a large piece of metal near a black stone. Grabbing it, he covered his head and ran under the tallest tree he could find. A bolt of lightning suddenly hit the ground, sending the metal flying out of Sir Homer's hands. He gave a shriek and fell to his knees. "Owww! What the heck was that?" he groaned as the two hairs on the top of his head were quickly singed. When he stood up, he saw the metal had broken apart and that a glowing red sword was steaming as the cool rain fell upon it. A tiny, shriveled man dressed in drab robes appeared through the rain.  
  
"Good sir, I am Hans of the Molemen. A terrible misfortune has occurred in the kingdom. You must take this sword- AHHHH!" he screamed as the smoldering metal scalded his hands.  
  
"BWAA-HAA-HAAA!" Sir Homer guffawed as Hans ran screaming around the clearing. "It's funny 'cuz it's not happening to me! Look at him! Hee hee hee!" He bent over and grasped the sword in his hands. The blade immediately turned to a bright, gleaming silver. "Wow. Wait'll the guys at the tavern get a load of this!"  
  
"You will find your village deserted," said Hans suddenly. "A terrible evil has occurred…" In a swoosh of black, he was gone. Sir Homer watched languidly as a crow carried Hans to its nest.  
  
"Eh. Well, it's time to spend some quality time with my loving family," Sir Homer said, then headed to Moemar's Tavern.  
  
Moemar's Tavern was desolate as Sir Homer entered. "Hello! Moemar? Barnhart? Leonard?" he called. "Come on, guys, your beer's still on the table!" Quiet, you fool! It could be ours! Sir Homer's brain snapped. He quickly gulped it down. "Mmm… stale." After ten minutes of silence, a high-pitched shrieking could be heard in the forest. Sir Homer came out of the tavern and hurried to his tiny hut to see a horribly thin young knight running into the village. It was the Blemished Knight, the weakest knight in the kingdom.  
  
"Help! Help!" He spotted Sir Homer and rushed to him and began to whine in a crackling voice, "He's taken them all! I couldn't stop him! If I had a lady to fight for, she'd kill me!"  
  
Sir Homer stared at him dumbly for a moment. "You're selling what now?" The knight began to wail again.  
  
"The Esquilax! He-"  
  
"Esquilax!" Sir Homer cried with a shudder. The Esquilax was the most dreaded creature in the entire kingdom. A ferocious horse with the head of a rabbit and the body of… a rabbit, it could grow or shrink to any size as well as assume other identities. No man had ever been able to defeat it, and those who tried met untimely deaths or were taken to the Land of the Yokels, which was inhabited by the lowliest of men.  
  
"It came into the village and captured everyone! Nobody could fight it, not even King Flanders!" the Blemished Knight continued.  
  
"Why not Flanders?" Sir Homer asked.  
  
"He couldn't find his sword," replied the boy.  
  
"Riiiight…" Sir Homer said, nervously eyeing the old sword leaning against his door with the words "Property of King Flanders of Springshire" inscribed upon it. Suddenly he saw that his fair wife, Lady Margerie, was nowhere to be seen, nor were his three children, Bartholomew, Lisa, and Margaret. The entire village was indeed deserted. "The little mole guy was right," he said. "Everybody's gone. EVERYONE'S GONE! OH, LORD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?" He fell to the ground and blubbered along with the geeky knight until anger overcame him. "That's it!" he cried. "I've put up with plagues, famines, and constant Nerdian attacks, but this is too much! No one destroys this village but me! Come on!"  
  
"But- but- those weren't Nerdian attacks! That was my family, visiting from far away!" the young knight cried.  
  
"No time for your nonsensical ravings now, boy!" Sir Homer barked, raising to his feet.  
  
He yanked the Blemished Knight to his feet and thrust the King's sword to him. "We'll rescue the villagers or be… seriously wounded trying!" With that, the two unlikely heroes set off into the forest.  
  
The journey was a perilous one. Sir Homer and the Blemished Knight traveled for days through dark forests and fields of thorns, searching for any sign of the Esquilax. They encountered strange creatures few had ever witnessed like the Bassatain, a two-headed dog born with only one head, the Garr, a small songbird that built its nest in the mess of yellow plumage on top of its head, and the Mittendorfer, a huge pig-like creature (most likely a pig, though nobody knew for sure) that became ferocious whenever humans dared come near it.  
  
Early one evening as Sir Homer searched for something to eat, the Blemished Knight noticed a pair of glowing eyes glaring at him from the forest. Curly wisps of silver smoke entwined as two flaring nostrils snorted angrily. Before he recognized what it was, there was a furious squeal and the boy was on his back, screaming for help in his high, crackly voice.  
  
"That squeaky voice- that annoying, grating voice- it can only be one person," Sir Homer said as he raced towards the screams. "It's my little Lisa! Oh, my sweet little girl, how I've missed- oh, it's you," he said in a disappointed voice when he arrived to see the Mittendorfer attacking the poor young knight. "Hee-hee! Hey, look, that Mittendorfer has a curly tail!" He then stood staring blankly at the spectacle as the Blemished Knight continued to cry for help until his sword appeared out of nowhere, floating in the air in front of him. "SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!" Sir Homer shrieked. His sword seemed to guide his movements as he tried to save his companion. With a swift, precise slash, the Mittendorfer's head lay on the ground beside its body, the Blemished Knight staring at it, stunned but otherwise unharmed. "Wow," said Sir Homer, kissing his sword. "Now I have four children. You will be known as… Wonderblade." He stopped, and then looked around. "My finest hour, and my family wasn't even here to see it. I can't just sit around when they need me! I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen, and I can't let that happen!"  
  
From that point on Sir Homer realized that his sword had magical powers. He no longer feared the wild animals and thieves they encountered along the trails. The animals and bandits now feared him, allowing him to pass wherever he traveled, bidding him a respectful "Good morrow" when they saw him.  
  
One day as the men rested beside a stream, the sound of sweet music began to flow through the air. Two voices meshed in perfect harmony, a lute playing out a gentle melody. They followed the music as it began to grow louder. Finally they reached a clearing where stood two young minstrels in black tunics, one tall and one short, softly singing a song about a man searching for his home. The shrubs behind them rustled, and the music suddenly stopped.  
  
"Who goes there?" called the short minstrel. "We are but poor minstrels- we have nothing of value to you!" Homer and the Blemished Knight stood up. "Who are you?" the short minstrel demanded, clutching his lute.  
  
"I am Sir Homer of Springshire and this is…" he looked at the Blemished Knight. "Billy Bob Joe Bob Shabadu, right?" The young knight's eyes widened. "Heh-heh. Shabadu. Anyway, we are on a journey to slay the Esquilax and save the kingdom and kill King Flanders and-" he paused. "Uh, scratch that last one." Mental note: they know too much. " So…what do you call yourselves?"  
  
"I am known as Tiqwyos of Triumvia," the small minstrel said, "but you can call me Al. This is my cohort of many years, Johnny Landis." Johnny smiled and nodded.  
  
"So you're searching for the Esquilax?" Al said warily. "How can you possibly expect to defeat such a creature? Especially since the man to whom it owes loyalty- Sir Homer, are you listening to me?" Sir Homer had spotted a squirrel and was laughing like a schoolgirl as he chased after it into a dark grove of black, gnarly trees.  
  
"Sir Homer, no! You'll be killed!" Johnny Landis cried, racing after him. He grabbed Sir Homer and pulled him away from the shadows. "Do you realize where you are? That is the land of King Charles Montgomery the Incontinent! One foot in there and you would have been dead! If the hounds didn't get you, the Esquilax would!"  
  
"The Esquilax is in there?" Sir Homer said.  
  
"Yes, the Esquilax is there, but it's not the creature you should fear," Al explained. " The terrible King Charles Montgomery the Incontinent is the master of the dreaded Esquilax.It was he who has captured Springshire, as well as countless other kingdoms. He plans to enslave all his captives and force them to revere him as a god, taking all their land and homes for his kingdom! Unless somebody can destroy him, he could conquer the entire earth!"  
  
"But what can I do?" Sir Homer moaned. "I'm just…" he counted on his fingers. "One man! I don't have the power to defeat a king!"  
  
"Ah-ha, ah-ha, that is where you are wrong, my friend," a voice suddenly said. Sir Homer whirled around to see a floating head with huge bright eyes smiling at him. "I am Mister Sparkle, your guardian. It was I who sent you your magical sword, because the Esquilax can only be defeated by one with a slow body and even slower mind… ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha." Sir Homer noticed that Mr. Sparkle's words did not match the movement of his lips as he spoke. "It is your duty to save the land from the evil king. Fight or die. Can you do no less?" With that, he vanished in a burst of stardust, leaving Sir Homer to ponder quietly.  
  
"Well," he said, "I think it's time I give something back to society after taking away so, so much." He set off once more towards the grove of black trees.  
  
"Wait, Sir Homer!" cried the Blemished Knight. "You can't go alone!" Johnny Landis held him back.  
  
"Let him go, boy. He knows what he's doing." With that stated, Sir Homer tripped and fell into the trees, cursing and muttering.  
  
The palace of Charles Montgomery the Incontinent was covered with elaborate and overglamorized gilded statues and monuments of the king in battle or ruling his kingdom. At the center of the grounds was a gigantic white castle surrounded by a deep moat. A faint barking began in the distance, and then grew stronger. Dozens of vicious dogs raced towards Sir Homer at a frantic pace. He brandished his sword and they almost instinctively backed away, whimpering. The sword also acted as a sort of paddle as he crossed the moat into the castle. A fat guard at the gate stopped him.  
  
"Halt! Who are you?" He snapped, unsheathing his sword.  
  
"I am the… new food tester!" Sir Homer lied. The guard immediately softened his tone.  
  
"Hey, all right! You just go to that room over there," he said pointing. "I've been waiting forever for you! Glad to see you! Unless you're some lunatic trying to get in or something, but heck, that's not my job to figure out, ha-ha!" Sir Homer carried on relieved. As he walked on a crazed wizard came running frantically down the halls.  
  
"Oy, flaven!" he cried. "Big mistake on the magic potion what with the fire and the burning and the hurting, nghey! King's gonna have my head, oy, froinlaivenclaven!" Sir Homer  
  
A stern-looking man with an extremely flat-topped head greeted Sir Homer at the entrance of the king's throne room. "Who are you?" he said, frowning down upon Sir Homer as if he were a mess the hounds would make.  
  
"I am Sir Homer of Springshire, and I want to speak with the king!" Sir Homer announced. The man was unamused.  
  
"Sorry, Sir Homer, but the king refuses to speak with plague carriers such as yourself," he said. "Besides, he busy with the duties of his newly expanded kingdom." With a snicker, he slammed the door.  
  
"Ah, crap!" Sir Homer muttered. "Oh, why did I ever agree to do this in the first place? I wish I was home with a big glass of mead- mmm… mead." He was busy drooling when the door opened again.  
  
"The king has agreed to see you," the man said. Homer followed him down the aisle to the throne, seeing for the first time how terribly evil King Charles Montgomery the Incontinent truly appeared. He was thin and at least a hundred years old with sharp, brooding eyes and a long, pointed nose. His mouth was curled in a snarl, his yellow teeth only adding to the effect. Perched beside him was a vulture that resembled its master exactly. Homer nervously stood beneath the king as he began to speak.  
  
"Well, good morrow, Sir- Lord Smithers, who is this gargantuan gastropod?"  
  
"Uh, this is Sir Homer of Springshire, my liege. Word is he plans to rescue the prisoners."  
  
"Springshire, eh? Well, Sir Homer, I know that you probably think I'm some sort of booger man, but I can assure you that those rumors are false."  
  
Why is the king being so nice to me? Homer thought. The king continued.  
  
"Now, prisoners is such a strong word. I like to think that they were prisoners before, in their own homes, but now they have guaranteed meals every day, a roof over their heads, and, of course, plenty of exercise." He began to laugh as he pointed out a window overlooking the fields below. Sir Homer gasped as he saw all the people of the kingdom slaving under the hot sun, overseers whipping them if they became too tired. Visible above all others was the tall blue hair of the fair Lady Margerie, holding baby Margaret in her arms as she struggled to hold onto her basket of grain. At her feet were Bartholomew and Lisa.  
  
"You withered old ogre!" Sir Homer cried.  
  
"I'm an ogre, am I?" the king said. "I ought to club you and eat your bones! Very well, Sir Homer, if you want the prisoners released, I'll set them free."  
  
"Woo-hoo!" was the enthusiastic reply.  
  
"If you can defeat the Esquilax!" To Sir Homer's shock, King Charles Montgomery the Incontinent suddenly changed into a gigantic white rabbit with huge, gnashing teeth before his very eyes. Sir Homer drew his sword, trembling but ready to fight.  
  
"The king is the Esquilax!" he exclaimed. The monster stared at him for a moment, and then began to form into a circle shape. Sir Homer moaned. The Esquilax had turned into a donut! Not just a donut, it was the most perfect donut in the world, a raspberry glazed cake donut covered with sprinkles! "Mmm… sprinkles," he mumbled. "No! No! It's not real- must save kingdom- have to ignore- sweet, sweet donut… mmmmm…" the temptation was too great. Sir Homer couldn't bring himself to use his sword on such a perfect creation. Instead, he took as big a bite of it as he could. There was a howl of pain and the Esquilax returned to its normal rabbit state, but with a chunk missing out of its ear. With a swipe of a furry paw, Sir Homer was knocked across the hall, his head colliding with the wall in a blow hard enough to kill a normal man, but not Sir Homer, due to the extreme thickness of his skull. The beast edged towards him again, turning into a gigantic spider. Suddenly the voice of Mister Sparkle appeared in Sir Homer's head. To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse.  
  
"Thou shalt not… um… ah, the heck with it," Sir Homer said with a shrug. He grabbed a rock and threw it at the spider's head. The spider immediately collapsed to the ground. "Oh, he wasn't so tough!" Sir Homer said. He began to sing proudly, "I killed the Esquilax! I killed the Esquilax! That means yooo-ooo you are the Esquilax!" He didn't notice when the spider stood up and rapidly transformed into the fair Lady Margerie.  
  
"Homer! Homer, it's really you!" she cried. Homer turned around to see his wife's beautiful smiling face, then grabbed her and kissed her. There was a deep, throaty laugh as Lady Margerie became ten times stronger and began to blow into Sir Homer's mouth. His head began to swell like a balloon, but he was unable to escape her grasp. He reached for his sword but found the sheath empty. His head was now five times its normal size, and threatening to burst. But through the distortion he could hear the sweet singing of Al and Johnny Landis:  
  
Tell her to find me an acre of land  
  
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme  
  
Between the saltwater and the sea foam  
  
Then she'll be a true love of mine  
  
The Esquilax paused and turned to look for the source of the song, and in that split second the Blemished Knight tossed Sir Homer his sword. The blade plunged into the Esquilax's side, causing a strange silver light to pour from the wound and fill the room. Sir Homer was released from the monster's grasp and thrown to the ground, unable to move. The Esquilax roared as it floated to the center of the hall and began rapidly going through all the transformations it had ever undergone. In a final burst of silver, ice-cold light, the Esquilax vanished. The four men lay on the ground for a few moments, simply recalling their surroundings. Finally Sir Homer got to his feet.  
  
"Now that's a battle! I guess I should get up now and free the slaves…"  
  
Sir Homer rushed into his true wife's arms, kissing her passionately. "Oh, Margerie, I couldn't have lived without you another day! Just look at me! I'm as dirty as a Frenchman!"  
  
"Homer, I missed you so much, I was so worried! Do you realize what you've done? You've saved all our lives and homes and killed a horrible monster all in the course of one day! I knew we could count on you!" With that, they kissed again, and the whole family embraced. Bartholomew, Lisa and Margaret clung to their father's legs, all talking at once about how wonderful it was to see him again. Suddenly, King Flanders approached.  
  
"Well, Homer, I have to say, great job on killing the creepy-crawlies and whatnot- you're a true knight. I've, uh, also been thinkin' about my leadership skills, and I'm-a-thinkin' I can be a teensy bit lax at times."  
  
"Yes you can." Sir Homer said quickly. King Flanders laughed.  
  
"Well, Sir Homer, today I've decided to hand over the crown to you. I'm making you the new king of Springshire." There was a long pause. "Uh, I'd give you the crown, but somebody seems to have borrowed it back home."  
  
"Uh-huh…" Sir Homer said slowly, thinking of the centerpiece on his table in Springshire. "Wow. A king. I couldn't be a king, that's only a job for big hero-type guys like me." "Guys like me? I'm a guy like me! Woo-hoo!" He proudly accepted the role as king. "But I couldn't have done it without the help of my friends here," he said, turning towards the Blemished Knight, Al and Johnny Landis. "If it weren't for them, we'd probably all be dead. That is why I have decided to make Al and Johnny here honorary knights."  
  
"Uh, King Homer, we're not really interested in fighting," Al said nervously. "We just want to make music."  
  
Homer nodded. "I understand." He turned towards the crowd. "Sir Tiqwyos of Triumvia and Sir Johnny Landis, everybody!" The two minstrels looked at each other, anxiously waving to the crowd. Eventually they simply shrugged and smiled, taking in the applause.  
  
Homer's coronation followed upon his return to Springshire a week later. From that day foreword he was known as King Homer the Laughable, and ruled his kingdom with great strength and kindness. The members of the kingdom of King Charles Montgomery the Incontinent swore allegiance to the kingdom of Springshire, unashamed to owe faithfulness to the new great king. 


End file.
